Nora Charles (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
noracharles) wrote2010-06-04 06:29 pm
noracharles) wrote2010-06-04 06:29 pm
Entry tags:
Living with rape culture
I was shopping in the supermarket today. The cash register aisles are very narrow, and there's an awkwardly placed supporting column right in the middle of it, so you can only pass single file, and you can only put your goods on the conveyor belt at the very end, not midway through.
So I put my goods on, and then place the divider on the belt. I put a nice space around the goods, less than a hand's width, enough that the clerk can easily grasp the stuff to scan it.
So the guy behind me shoves the divider so all my goods are squished together, and leans into my back, poking me with his elbows and breathing down my neck, as he piles all his stuff on, even though there would be plenty of room if he waited until the person in front of me had paid. Because the aisle is so narrow, I can't move forward at all and make room for him anyway, so it's not like he'll get through any faster by doing this.
I can't stand having people in my personal space without permission, and I especially can't stand being touched by strangers, and I especially, especially can't stand being shoved in the back by a big, tall man, who's so strong he rocks me forward and I am helpless to resist.
Then his girlfriend hands him some more goods to put on the belt, but because he shoved his so far up (into "my" space), the guy behind him has started putting his on as well. He can't reach his goods, because of the awkwardly placed column, and he can't ignore me and treat me like furniture anymore, because I am between him and his goods.
I wonder what he'll do.
He rudely glares at me, then tells me "I'm just gonna put this over there."
"Oh, are you?" I say sarcastically. I am completely trapped between him, the conveyor belt and the column.
So he just shoves me into the conveyor belt. Just fucking shoves me.
Then he squeezes past me, standing in front of me in line. I have to be in front of him, so I can pay my goods.
So I tell him "I'm just gonna go in front of you," and I shove him. Not in his back, not in his face, like he just did to me twice. I actually push him on his shoulder, back in the direction he came from.
He refuses to budge, staring at me with this completely shocked and hateful look, like he can't believe that I am doing this to him.
I don't remember what he says, I think he tells me I'm crazy, or something like that. He finally moves, when he can see I mean it.
His girlfriend is upset, and whispers in a loud stage whisper "I am so shocked right now."
I tell him that I think he is incredibly rude.
It is staggeringly obvious that he has no idea, NO FUCKING IDEA, that he just shoved me twice, and treated me like an object, like dirt, like a thing with absolutely no right to a personal space or recognition of me as a human being.
I guess I'm just lucky that I did not have back pain today, otherwise I would not just have been being triggered, I would also probably have suffered acute physical pain when he shoved me.
They left right after me, and paced me down the street for a while. Talking about me.
That fucking piss ant, that little unsocialized boy, he hurt me today. I don't know how long the damage will take to heal. And he thinks he was the one who was treated rudely, the one who had his "shopping experience ruined". That's what he told his girlfriend I had done. I had ruined his shopping experience.
Well you fucking invalidated me as a human being and showed me that you are physically stronger than me, and you will not hesitate a moment to use that physical strength to dominate me, because I am not a real person in your eyes.
So I put my goods on, and then place the divider on the belt. I put a nice space around the goods, less than a hand's width, enough that the clerk can easily grasp the stuff to scan it.
So the guy behind me shoves the divider so all my goods are squished together, and leans into my back, poking me with his elbows and breathing down my neck, as he piles all his stuff on, even though there would be plenty of room if he waited until the person in front of me had paid. Because the aisle is so narrow, I can't move forward at all and make room for him anyway, so it's not like he'll get through any faster by doing this.
I can't stand having people in my personal space without permission, and I especially can't stand being touched by strangers, and I especially, especially can't stand being shoved in the back by a big, tall man, who's so strong he rocks me forward and I am helpless to resist.
Then his girlfriend hands him some more goods to put on the belt, but because he shoved his so far up (into "my" space), the guy behind him has started putting his on as well. He can't reach his goods, because of the awkwardly placed column, and he can't ignore me and treat me like furniture anymore, because I am between him and his goods.
I wonder what he'll do.
He rudely glares at me, then tells me "I'm just gonna put this over there."
"Oh, are you?" I say sarcastically. I am completely trapped between him, the conveyor belt and the column.
So he just shoves me into the conveyor belt. Just fucking shoves me.
Then he squeezes past me, standing in front of me in line. I have to be in front of him, so I can pay my goods.
So I tell him "I'm just gonna go in front of you," and I shove him. Not in his back, not in his face, like he just did to me twice. I actually push him on his shoulder, back in the direction he came from.
He refuses to budge, staring at me with this completely shocked and hateful look, like he can't believe that I am doing this to him.
I don't remember what he says, I think he tells me I'm crazy, or something like that. He finally moves, when he can see I mean it.
His girlfriend is upset, and whispers in a loud stage whisper "I am so shocked right now."
I tell him that I think he is incredibly rude.
It is staggeringly obvious that he has no idea, NO FUCKING IDEA, that he just shoved me twice, and treated me like an object, like dirt, like a thing with absolutely no right to a personal space or recognition of me as a human being.
I guess I'm just lucky that I did not have back pain today, otherwise I would not just have been being triggered, I would also probably have suffered acute physical pain when he shoved me.
They left right after me, and paced me down the street for a while. Talking about me.
That fucking piss ant, that little unsocialized boy, he hurt me today. I don't know how long the damage will take to heal. And he thinks he was the one who was treated rudely, the one who had his "shopping experience ruined". That's what he told his girlfriend I had done. I had ruined his shopping experience.
Well you fucking invalidated me as a human being and showed me that you are physically stronger than me, and you will not hesitate a moment to use that physical strength to dominate me, because I am not a real person in your eyes.
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I'm so tired of all of us having to endure.
I think I'm creeped out more by his obliviousness to his own behaviour than the behaviour itself. Blrg, the whole thing is hideous.
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Yes, that's what creeps me out the most too.
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*hugs back*
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Well put. But getting it out by writing about it helped.