I know exactly what you mean about creating a space that feels relaxed and fun to you that looks intimidating to outsiders. I think it's more or less unavoidable. I've decided the really important distinguishing feature between this kind of "good" cliquishness and "bad" cliquishness (the type that makes me anxious) is whether the people in the space have any opinions about people not in the space, and what those opinions are.

If it's "I'm doing my thing because it makes me happy, other people can do their thing to make themselves happy", that's usually okay. If there's any implication that those other people are wrong, defective, missing out: not so good.

I think it's the difference between treating life as a single victory condition zero sum game, and as something More Complicated.

(If my icons seem random, they aren't working predictably for me and I'm testing them)